Dreams
by clawswrites
Summary: Merlin has a dream that Arthur doesn't think he can live up to. Merlin/Arthur. Modern AU. Written for Camelotfic's challenge on LiveJournal.


Arthur Pendragon had officially become a couple with his long-term crush, Merlin Emrys, in his last year of secondary school. He was a member of the school football team whilst Merlin went to Art Club every Tuesday and Thursday, so it was a surprise to the entire student body when the news came out. It was hard at first – not only was there discrimination because of their new found sexuality but because of their natural differences, but despite it all, nothing really got in the way.

It amazed him that, six years on, something like _this_ could cause so much trouble in their once strong relationship. Merlin had always been a caring person (more than once, Arthur had come home from work at his father's company, to find him tending to some poor animal that had fallen out of a tree, or had gotten hit by a car) but he never expected that the man he loved would want to be a parent, more than anything. Even more than he wanted to become a professional artist – and that was his career choice since he was five.

Arthur had never imagined himself a father. He had bad experiences with his own and it was his greatest fear to become like him. He didn't have a bad childhood, as it were, but his father wasn't exactly the best one in the world – in fact, Arthur was pretty sure that, if his mother hadn't announced she was with child, Uther wouldn't even had bothered considering having children. But the one thing that out won his fear was seeing the sadness and disappointment in Merlin's blue eyes.

He had seen it once before when he was in his first year of a finance course. He'd come home late and utterly wasted – he had to be carried home by Leon and Gwaine. It wasn't a pretty sight. Even in his drunken haze, he could still clearly see those eyes drooping and shining with such hurt. Arthur vowed he'd never see that look again and he'd kept true to his promise – up until now.

Merlin had locked himself in their bedroom and refused to come out, saying he needed some time to get his thoughts together, leaving Arthur to sit in the living room, alone with his thoughts. He couldn't believe a relationship so strong could be broken by the need for children – though he understood it. Different dreams, different beliefs … all are meant to make a relationship stronger but, sometimes, it can cause the foundations to crumble and collapse.

'_But … would having children be such a bad thing?'_ Arthur wondered to himself. They were in a loving, stable relationship – there was no violence or abuse, and they had many people that would help and support them during the transition phase. It would be hard to adopt – same sex couples were still debatable parental choices in adoption agencies – but there was still the chance (the slim chance that Merlin was hanging on to). But, once again, his decision came down to fear – and nothing Merlin said could change that. _'But you never know, until you try, right?'_

"Tell me why…"

Arthur jerked, shocked by the sudden voice, and turned quickly to see his young partner standing in the doorway of the living room. He was wrapped up in the duvet covers from their bed and was standing almost cautiously. The sad look in his eyes was still there, but it was accompanied with determination to understand.

"Tell me why you refuse to talk about the idea of children …" Merlin tried against after a moment's silence.

"It's not that I refuse … you sprung this on me and I … you and I …" Arthur sighed in defeat. It seemed his feeble attempts at lying were being disbelieved, if the raised eyebrow look that Merlin gave him was anything to do by. He never had been a good liar. "… I'm afraid … not of children, but of what damage I'll do … I don't exactly have a good parental figure to compare my abilities with … this is someone's life we're talking about, a child's life, our life … I don't want to ruin something so innocent and so beautiful because I'm hopeless as a father … and I don't want you to leave me once you realise how terrible I am. I like keeping everything the same … that way there's no chance I can screw anything up and ah …"

Merlin had sat beside him on the sofa, close enough that their knees brushed against each other. Softly and caringly, as if to take away his fears, he kissed his lover calmly and lovingly. "Arthur … you are not your father. I've seen you take care of Morganna and Gwen … of me … nothing could drive me away from you, much less your parenting flaws. Everyone is new to the father business at the beginning but you learn and change … I trust in you Arthur …"

Arthur had taken Merlin's quiet, supportive words to heart. He was willing to give parenting a chance, but he allowed his partner to take the lead (he was more than happy to). After travelling to five different adoption agencies across the nation (Uther had gladly leant his son a company car to get around) their application was finally accepted. It was a small orphanage, holding about 200 children at the most, on the outskirts of Lincolnshire. The matron was a kindly old lady who was happy and willing to allow any couple (same sex or otherwise) adopt one of her children.

Morderd was a new born when he was placed in the care-home, named after the lullaby the worker that had found him had been singing at the time. He was inquisitive, quiet, lovable and hardworking. Prefect, Merlin had called him. Arthur had to agree – the boy simply was perfect for them.

And you know what else? Arthur never saw that look in Merlin's eyes again.


End file.
